


In Noble Tradition

by KuriQuinn



Series: Poor Judgement & Associated Adventures [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Canon, Crack, Gen, Humor, Not Canon Compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-04
Updated: 2017-07-04
Packaged: 2018-11-23 12:20:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11402298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KuriQuinn/pseuds/KuriQuinn
Summary: Kakashi is just one in a long line of Hokage that can't keep his friends and students in line. A romp through the history of Konoha, with cameos from Kage past.





	In Noble Tradition

**Author's Note:**

> **Disclaimer:**  This story utilises characters, situations and premises that are copyright Masashi Kishimoto, Shueisha, Shonen Jump and Viz media. No infringement on their respective copyrights pertaining to episodes, novelisations, comics or short stories is intended by KuriQuinn in any way, shape or form. This fan-oriented story is written solely for the author's own amusement and the entertainment of the readers. It is not for profit. Any resemblance to real organizations, institutions, products or persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
> 
> **All plot and Original Characters except for those introduced in the canon books, manga, video games, novelizations and anime, are the sole creation of KuriQuinn. (© KuriQuinn 2016- )**
> 
> **Rating:** **T**
> 
> **Warning:** **Very crackish.**
> 
> **Canon/Fanon Compliance:** **AU ‘verse.** **Sasuke left Konoha, but he came back right away or right after training or something. Team 7 went on to become ANBU**

_Kakashi looks at the three of them in turn, and then lets his head fall into his hands. “None of the other Hokage had to deal with this.”_

_“Well, actually—”_

_“Don’t, Lioness, just don’t,” Kakashi groans, straightening up._

_一_

“Madara,” Hashirama Senju starts quietly— _calmly_ , he thinks—and then promptly forgets what to say.

His best friend lifts an eyebrow in irritating, mocking challenge that makes him want to punch him in his smug Uchiha face, and sits back, arms folded in front of him.

Hashirama exhales through his nose, counts to ten, and begins again.

“Madara, you cannot set people on fire just because they say something you don’t like.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Bullshit.”

“Whatever he said happened is a lie. You know he has it out for me.”

“And I know you would like nothing more than to bash his head in with your _gunbai_.”

“Well, you said it, not me,” Madara shrugs, looking bored.

“If the other nations see this infighting amongst us, they’re going to think we’re not united. We can’t have anymore—”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah…”

“You know you need to apologise.”

“I don’t know anything of the sort.”

“If you don’t apologise, I’m telling Mito.”

“…Fine,” he grumbles after several seconds. “The next time I see him.”

“Good.”

“When I get back from Iwagakure.”

There’s a knock at the door of Hashirama’s chambers, and he smirks at Madara. “I wonder who that could be— _come in!_ ”

His best friend glowers. “You’re an ass.”

The door slides open and Tobirama Senju enters, sporting several bandages and a face painted almost completely with burn cream. His eyes twitch at the sight of Madara, but he then turns to his brother and bows. “Lord Hokage.”

“Oh, knock it off with the protocol,” Hashirama waves impatiently. “Madara has something he wants to say to you.”

“I very much doubt that.” The Hokage narrows his eyes and his brother clenches his jaw. “Fine. I will listen. What does the scumbag want this time?”

“Isn’t there a rule about speaking to your elders more respectfully?” Madara sniffs.

“Isn’t there a rule about keeping you away from sane people?”

“Tobirama…”

“Hm, five seconds. The last time it took you a good deal longer to get annoyed enough to insult me,” Madara muses, examining his nails. “I’m disappointed. It seems your tolerance is wearing.”

“Did you have something of value to share, or did you just want to give me a seminar on my habits?”

“I have no doubt you could use one…”

“…Madara!”

“You have something to say to me, Uchiha?”

“I have something to say about your mother.”

“A- _hem,”_ Hashirama interjects pointedly.

His best friend considers him, and in a grudging voice mumbles, “…What a nice, honorable lady.”

“Nice save, asshole. You’re lucky I don’t teleport you to the middle of an ocean to drow,” Tobirama growls.

“Bring it, you little—!”

“Children,” Hashirama mumbles to himself. “Grown men—warriors!—and they’re like children. The world is doomed if either one of you ever ends up in a position of power…”

_二_

“What happened to the bridge?”

Tobirama keeps his voice carefully level, trying to ignore the throbbing in his temple and the need to flex his fingers. Possibly around his students’ necks.

 “Uh…it was an accident?”

“Hiruzen, missing a target is an accident. That bridge looks like a tornado hit it. And I don’t use the word tornado lightly.”

“I told him not to do it,” Koharu says. “The idiot wouldn’t listen.”

“Hey, it wasn’t my fault! Homura distracted me while I was trying to take aim.”

“I sneezed.”

“It was distracting!”

“A shinobi should be able to focus around even the most inconvenient disruptions,” Koharu recites dutifully.

“A shinobi should also inform her teacher when her teammates are about to alert the enemy to their position and get them all killed,” Tobirama lectures.

“Well, I didn’t actually think he’d miss.”

“And Homura couldn’t?”

“He was asleep,” Hiruzen snorts. “Hence why I was surprised when he sneezed.”

“You three do realise we’re in the middle of a war, yes?” Tobirama asks through clenched teeth. “The enemy will be here within minutes because now they know our—”

_Thwack!_

He is cut off by an arrow lodging itself in his shoulder.

The four of them stare up the mountain incline at the wall of dozens of shinobi headed their way.

“…position,” Tobirama finishes, yanking the arrow out.

“That’s…a lot of Amenin,” Hiruzen murmurs.

“If we live through this, I’m going to make the rest of your life miserable,” Koharu informs him primly.

_If any of you live through this, Konoha is doomed_ , Tobirama thinks, taking a guard position and preparing to meet a slew of angry Amenin head-on.

三

Hiruzen and his team are tied to four posts, baking in the sun several dozen miles from Suna. The desert sand rustles around them, and his mouth is already dry.

“Explain it to me again,” he says slowly. _So that I can possibly find a way to salvage this trip and keep us out of another war._

“Hearing it again won’t change the outcome,” Orochimaru points out, looking disgustingly unruffled against his post.

“Jiraiya hit the Kazekage.”

“Of course he did,” Hiruzen groans, craning his neck to glare over at the only individual in their group to remain unconscious. Jiraiya is sagging against his post, a line of drool dangling from his mouth.

“It was either incredibly stupid, or incredibly brave and stupid all rolled into one,” Tsunade goes on. “I mean, the other guy was talking about sacrificing half of our people on something that _might_ work. I don’t care how good a strategist he is, that’s crap. And of course, _I_ couldn’t hit him, because then he’s be dead…”

“How nice of you to show some restraint…”

“You do have a lot of anger bottled up inside you,” Orochimaru points out. “I recommend a good bit of therapy. Of course, activities that involve sharp objects or fire might be more to your preference.”

“Would you shut up and do your creepy, bending thing so that we can get out of here?” Tsunade snaps.

“I would, except the same chakra suppressors keeping you from using your strength or keeping Sarutobi-sensei from using a simple _Nawanuke_ are currently binding me. It seems we’re destined to die here.”

“Don’t sound so happy about that!”

“On the contrary, I’m quite bothered. My constitution is better than all of yours, so I’ll not only have to watch you all die, but I’ll be stuck here with the smell of your rotting corpses long before I too succumb to heat stroke and starvation.” He pauses, and then offers Hiruzen an approximation of an apologetic look. “My apologises, sensei. If it makes you feel any better, if I do get free after you all perish, I’ll eat Jiraiya first.”

Tsunade’s turns green beneath her sunburn.

“No one’s eating Jiraiya!” Hiruzen snaps. Even though he knows that Orochimaru is just being a little shit and would never actually do something so disgusting (he’s about eighty-seven percent sure, anyhow), he isn’t in the mood for the young man’s particular brand of humour.

“Mmm…Tsunade can eat Jiraiya,” the white-haired youth mumbles in his sleep.

The three others freeze for a moment. This time it’s Orochimaru who looks disgusted, while Tsunade’s eye twitches. Hiruzen suspects that now, even if they get out of this predicament, only three of them will be returning home.

Hiruzen groans in frustration.

This is the last time. From now on, no Hokage is allowed to appoint their former genin squad as escorts, no matter how talented their ANBU commanders say they are. He’s going to make a fucking public ordinance about it.

_四_

Minato stares up at his only surviving student, trying to figure out exactly what to say at this point. Kakashi is sitting in the upper branch of a tree, eyes rivetted on the orange book in his hand.

“About that mission to Kiri—”

“Keep walking, sensei,” Kakashi says without looking up, idly turning a page.

_Well…I tried,_ Minato thinks with a sigh and continues on his way back home.

_五_

“What the hell is going on?!”

“I…I don’t know!”

“What happened!” Tsunade barks, stalking into the laboratory, where Shizune is scrubbing at a goopy green mess. The lab is an utter mess of scorch marks and still smoking furniture.

“I don’t know! I didn’t do anything!”

“None of the ingredients are flammable! How could this happen?!”

“I don’t know, Lady Tsunade, one minute everything was fine, and the next— _whoosh!”_

“Oink!” Tonton agrees fearfully.

“Where’s Sakura?” she demands.

“Behind you,” a familiar voice says, and Tsunade whirls around. Her second student is leaning calmly in the doorway.

“Why weren’t you here to help her? You know this is a tricky antidote. I _told_ you both it was a difficult one!”

“I had an errand to run,” Sakura says apologetically.

“And what errand is more important than listening to your master’s instructions?!”

“Making sure the village is running smoothly, of course,” Sakura beams. “Shizune said you were behind on your paperwork. And it’s possible you’ve been distracted by a certain something lately.”

From behind her back she removes a familiar looking, hard-won bottle of aged whiskey.

Tsunade winces.

_Damn it, I thought I hid that better!_

“Sakura, put that down,” she orders.

“Maybe I will,” the young woman says seriously, and then adopt a curious look. “But first, you have to tell me what the difference is between putting something down, and _dropping_ it.”

“If you drop it, I will break your bones into millions of pieces.”

“But _shishou_ , if you do that, you can’t hear my words of wisdom—and you know, you really want to listen to me.”

“About as much as I’d like to move to Tetsu and learn kabuki.”

“I hear Tetsu is very beautiful this time of year. They have ice castles.”

“Oink!”

“Is this the wrong time to mention I think this thing might developing sentience?” Shizune asks nervously.

She now appears to be battling some kind of goopy green chakra monster.

Tsunade looks between her two apprentices, and then lets her forehead fall into her hands. “That’s it. I’m breaking the world now.”

終わり

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and constructive criticism are always welcome! I'm only able to keep writing as I do thanks to the encouragement of readers like you, so every bit of support helps! And be sure to check out my tumblr (Typewriter Ninjutsu) for content you won't necessarily find on this site.
> 
> 栗


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